i just don't know
what am i to think?
i feel ugly
stupid
fat
cheap
easy
and worthless.

what a great list of words.

who's to contradict me?
they can speak their words
spout self righteous statements
lies, really.
but nothing supports their statements
"yeah, you're cute! just not to me.
But to someone else..."

Bull.
if there were someone out there
someone who thought i was cute
i've never met them
they don't exist

why is it that 20 pounds ago i was cute?
why is it that 20 mgs of prozak ago i was happy?
why can't i just be happy?

why the compulsive starvation?
hard exercise
but it never changes how i look.
or the fact that they think i'm cheap
because i'm fat
and can't do any better.

i look at them all and laugh.
a sad, bitter, sardonic laugh.
they don't know
they think they can cheer me with lies.

but i'm not that stupid.

i know better.

i know i'm ugly.
obese
redundant
pissy
unattractive in every way
and left to my own devices

sad, isn't it.

nope. just how the
bleeding, porous world
turns.

I've never been this cold before in my life, which, when you think about it, is really impressive. I've called mountain tops, and antarctic conditions home before... but they were nothing like this. Perhaps it's because that cold was external, a superficial tactile experience. This cold started in my heart.

I'm running through the snow and trees, determined to find him. I scream his name, over and over, hoping to hear a response. Nothing. Tears escape my eyes and freeze on my cheeks. I need to find him before it's too late.

Charles should have helped me, but I realize now that he never will. He lives in a gilded tower, away from reality and the world. Everyone thinks he's brilliant and infallible. I think he's a stubborn old snob. He's the only one who could help me find Victor-- but he wont.

I scream his name again. "Victor! VICTOR!" My voice is fading into the woods, snow sucking it up like a dry sponge. No more tears escape. My fear and worry has turned to anger. Who did he think he was? Running away like this is so stupid, beyond belief stupid! And now, I have to come find him. No one else will. Not even his family.

I'm his only family now. He doesn't even love me, doesn't even want me. My figure provokes no feelings in his nooks and crannies. My face creates no emotional response. Unless you count annoyance. Yet I love him. And I'm coming to save him.

Perhaps it was the song. I know he heard me at the piano, plucking away at the little ditty. I'd hoped he would understand the spiritual significance the tune held, but he did not. It bothered him. I practically saw him bristle. Well, I didn't actually see him. But I felt it. Hot embarrassment irradiated his body, starting at his round, dark face.

Those eyes. So full of hurt and frustration. Picturing those eyes keep me going.

I know I get through to him sometimes. I've seen affection in the pools of ink below his forehead. I know it. I just know it.

Something makes me stop. My feet sink into the drifts as I peer around and look for the clue. There: his heavy feet left deep impressions in the snow, not yet covered by the fresh powder. I turn and take off at full speed in that direction.

Why do I love you, Victor? You've done nothing but scorn me, treat your brother like crap, and... seen me. He saw beyond my facade. True, my figure does nothing for his arousal, but perhaps that was why I want him so badly. Every other man falls for the curves, the concaves and convexes. Victor is immune to my charm, my magic. He sees me as no one special. And that makes him spectacular.


There. Huddled underneath a frozen drift, Victor sits. His fingers are turning blue, and my heart stops cold at the sight. Please God, don't let him have frost bite. I walk cautiously over to the man I just spent four hours looking for. He looks up at me and glares.

"Why. Why are you following me." The words imply questioning, but his tone does no such thing.
"Someone had to find you. You'll die out here if left to wander."

"Why you?"

"Why not me?"

He doesn't accept my answer. I put out my hands to him, a gesture that's supposed to show care and concern. He ignores my cold fingers and upturned palms.

"You have no excuse to be here." He continues to challenge my motives. Perhaps he's trying to figure me out? Could that be a sign of interest?

"Neither do you, idiot." Ha. That's the first time I've ever insulted him. To his face, at least.

The light in his eyes changes from anger and irritation to surprise. I pull my hands back and place them on my hips. The cold is getting to my brain. I'm feeling the original emotion of anger rise in my face.



"You're being stupid. I can't abide stupidity." My statement is the boldest I've ever made to him. Trying to woo him has been difficult, and no acquiesence has provided a way into his heart.



"Why are you here?" he asks me.



I sigh.



"I don't know, anymore. I thought it was to help you. But apparently you're intent on freezing to death out here. Have fun." I turn and start walking away, leaving behind the man I came to save. It kills me to leave his poor soul freezing over in the snow bank. My mind debates with itself for a good thirty seconds before I finally act on my feelings.

I march back to Victor, fire in my eyes and heart. "I don't give a crap if you don't want to be saved. You may think you're invincible, but have you ever frozen to death, Victor? Have you?" My voice raises in pitch and volume as I continue. "You can't stay here! You will die. And no matter how badly you treat me, no matter how much you ignore me, you are STILL a human being and I cannot abide murder. If I leave you here, that's exactly what I'm doing."

He stares at me for a full minute. He stands and puts out his gloved hand.

"Hi. My name's Victor. I don't think we've met." He smiles that amazingly attractive smile. I understand what he's telling me.

"Allyn. My name is Allyn."

We shake hands.

"Pleased to meet you."

sewing machines

it always happens this way
again and again and again
the cycle of friendship, love
desperation
and despise.
Endlessly turning on spokes of attraction
dancing, smiles
and eyes.
You can't stick your hand in
without a wound. Can't stop
without blood.
There must be blood.
I nurse my wounds with glee
See? See what you've done to me?
But there's nothing
You did nothing.
I hurt myself by reaching in
The wires were obvious!
A brace can't stop rotation!
It's the only out
the only option in view
I don't mean for it turn this way
I never do
But over, and over, and over
merrily we roll
Until I've broken the circle,
stopped all affection
There is no room for grey in my life!
Black!
White!
Those make sense!
Colors that ring of truth
Of decision and action

But the grey just comes.
I start with a black circle
friendship spinning in my eyes
then, without thought
grey seeps in.
Please go away.
No. I draw nearer with my words
but my heart is far from it.
Silk scarves of grey wrap me
my skin tingles with need for grey.

Don't worry. The grey always comes.
Again, and again, and
again.

cyclical fear

Curving arches, convex light
the pinkesh flesh cools down
air dances, prancing around
hairs rise like an audience.
They give a standing ovation
"encore! brava!" the crowds cheer.
But skin tightens and moves
Bumps errupt and wash over
"I'm scared! I'm scared!" is suddenly the cry
soft fingers run over
skin warms frightened skin
muscles calm. All is right.

Disclaimer

Some of you may have noticed some similarities between the subjects of my poems and certain people in my life. I want to say right now that I write what I know, and am constantly inspired by events in my life. But do not mistake inspiration for accuracy.

Many times my peoms start off a certain way, but by the time I reach the end, the direction has changed completely. I like this, for it lets me truly express what I'm feeling.

So, don't worry if it seems like I might be writing about our situation: I was just inspired by it. Not documenting it.

when?

He has two orbs of glass
Sitting in for eyes
Few people recognize it
But I can see his lies.
Those black and shaded windows
Are what he hides behind
Darkness reigns in his heart
No light enters his mind.

When's he gunna see?
When's he gunna see
What it is that he can be?
When's he gunna know,
When's he gunna know
That I don't enjoy his show,
his shallow show...

His brow is made of marble
It's frozen in a frown.
I'm sure his perfect smile
Would shine if he'd allow
But the thin line of those pretty lips
Are stuck in place for good
His emotions hidden deep inside
The way he thinks they should.

But when's he gunna see,
When's he gunna see
What it is that he can be?
When's he gunna know,
When's he gunna know
I don't enjoy his show,
His maddening show.
It makes me feel... so... low...

What happened to the light
I saw inside your soul?
You were once my heat
Now you leave me cold.
Come back to life, I beg you, please!
I pray for you on bended knee!
Oh God show him just who he is,
And I promise now, sure as I live
That I will never leave You out.
I'll live on Earth without one doubt.

But his eyes are made of glass
Until he makes that change.
I have to walk away now
But giving up feels strange.
This no more my battle
It's his alone to fight
He has to thaw the marble
And let in the true light.

When's he gunna see
When's he gunna see
What he really means to me?
When's he gunna know
When's he gunna know
that he forced me to go?
Even though I loved him so.


I wish that he could know.

Dark

The sunlight is my shield
It gives me hope to hold
I can talk to you and enjoy myself
Without feeling the hole
But as the sun fades from my view
My thoughts tangle around you
And I can’t seem to see
What else is of worth to me
In the darkness of night
My heart breaks

Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind!
I’ll change myself if you’ll change your mind!
I can’t explain what I feel,
But right now, it’s real.
Then the sun shows its face
And I’m back in my place
And the world is alright, again.

The pillow holds my tears
The blankets hide my pain
As I scratch at sheets in misery
Cotton fibers call your name
If I close my eyes and slumber
I will stop the endless wonder
With the dawn approaching nearer
I can see myself much clearer
In the brightness of day
My heart heals.

Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind!
I’ll change myself if you’ll change your mind!
I can’t explain what I feel,
But right now, it’s real.
Then the sun shows its face
And I’m put back in my place
And the world is alright, again.

Someday I’ll conquer the night
And no matter when, things will be right
If I didn’t still love you
I would know what to do.

But some evening I’ll lie in my bed
And not wonder if I am dead
I’ll be happy no matter the sun.
Because I’ll know then that you’re not the one.

Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind!
I’ll change myself if you’ll change your mind!
I can’t explain what I feel,
But right now, it’s real
Then the sun shows its face
And I’m put back in my place
And the world is alright, again.

four months

I remember when I met you,
How you fit into your jeans
With one leg across the other
You were not what you seemed.
You brushed your bangs aside.
Each time I felt a pange.
But I couldn't keepy my mouth shut
So you surely saw my change.

You saw me, you knew me, and you tried to let me in.
I saw you, ignored you, I just knew I couldn't win.
I couldn't hide who I was, I couldn't stop the chase
You gave me space and room to grow, I cringed to see your face.

I remember when I met you,
The real you, the first time.
Your body was invisible
It was your spirit's turn to shine
Gratitude filled my heart
As you treated me with love
I saw you then as He sees you
My view from up above.

You saw me, didn't know me, and began to shut me out.
I saw you, fought for you, did all but scream and shout!
You tried to make the choice for me, but I could not accept.
We talked it out and started again, this was our third attempt.

I remember when I met you,
When you first showed me that side.
I wasn't shocked, but more suprised
The gap was small, not wide.
I hadn't shown my passion,
Kept my secrets in my heart.
You called this point our end.
I saw it as our start.

You saw me, I saw you, our passions found each other
I flourished in our friendship; my spirit wasn't smothered.
We didn't hide who we were, there was no more a chase.
But we see that now is not the time, nor is here the place.

I hope that when I see you
In another place and time
You'll see the changes in me.
I'll see you've redrawn lines.
You'll talk to me with love, respect,
And gently kiss my cheek.
You'll wipe my tears off with your thumb
You'll make my knees grow weak.

Beyond that point, I dare not dream
My heart and mind may turn.
I love you now and always will
But we have so much to learn.
I have to trust myself and God
And be here when you need
That we will always be good friends,
For that alone I plead.

Kayla-Anne

I know I should be happy
But why can’t I be sad?
I’ll miss you with my whole heart
Is loving you that bad?
But I want you to be happy
To find joy in every way
So I’ll keep my tears behind my eyes
We’ll meet again someday.

The ice and the snow
Fly past my window
Your voice is steady and calm
I cannot believe
That you even feel pride
When you see what I do and I say.

We are so different you and me
You see the world unusually
Though I cannot say these things I feel
I know this love is very real.
To see you cry rips at my soul
To see you cry rips at my soul.

The ice and the snow
Fly past my window
Your voice is steady and calm
I cannot believe
That you even feel pride
When you see what I do and I say.

Your talent always awes me
Your love is wonder inspiring
But I used to pull you down
With a sneer, a jeer, a frown.
I didn’t know how to show my love
I didn’t know how to show my love.

But in spite of that
You pulled me back
And held me in your care
I cried and screamed
There was not one thing
Till you showed me you were there.
Don’t leave me now!
I don’t know how!
I can’t make it on my own!
You keep me strong
And moving on!
I’m not quite whole without you!

Through the ice and the snow
You tell me you love me
That my actions and love impress you
“Don’t forget who you are, and what you can do,”
You declare in the cold winter air.

As my sister, I love you
As my example, I live by you
As my best friend… I need you.

We are the ones

We are the ones who try with our hearts
To forget what we want, to ignore who we are
To be us is sin, and we hide our desires
To voice them is only a demand for ridicule

We hide in our corners and behind our façades
We try to be strong and hold up our smiles
But to be us is sin, and we hide our desires
For exposing our needs is a sure road to hurt

Why can’t I want children? A husband? A home?
Is wrong to want love? To not be alone?
But to say so makes giggles and laughs dance around
Every man in the room is rolling around
Sides grabbed in amusement
Mockery saturates each word.

Why can’t I want family? To be saved with adoration?
But I’m scorned by my peers and my society

Don’t want
Don’t be
Don’t feel
Don’t say

But stop
Obey
And listen to me

When do I reach the Promised Land
Where judgments aren’t made?
Where we’re seen for who we are
Where we’re seen for what we are
Where we’re seen for what we want
Where we’re seen for who we need
Where we’re seen for what we love
Where we’re known for who we worship?

But to be us is sin, and we hide our desires
To be us is a burden we carry.

silent

silently creeping and crying my tears
hiding my feelings and love all these years
i try to hold back and pretend i don't care
you act like it's nothing, you're not really there
so what is okay? and what is alright?
to smile in the day, and cry in the night?
i want to be me and say all i can
but not if it truly upsets my man.

i've learned to rebound, to mean what i say
maybe too much, but that's my price to pay
it went on too long
i stopped and moved on
now i'm me without apology.

words shoot out my mouth with surprising speed
no one has a doubt about my wants or my needs
i try not to cringe when my attempts backfire
i'm like a large bird keeping up on a wire.
there must be a middle, an even place to stay
where my thoughts can be mine, but not in the way
you'll give me a chance if you look past les mots
"je pense que je sais que le meillure est bon."

i've learned to rebound, to mean what i say
sometimes too much, but that's my price to pay
it went on too long
i've stopped and moved on
now i'm me without apology

show me your heart and i'll show you mine
it looks scarred, but it's just a small line.
the walls are trembling and quaking in fear
march round for three days, the end is soon near
if you ask me permission i'll kiss you for luck
there will be no guilt tripping, you cannot get stuck
just hold out your hand for my fingers to find
as you promise to ever and ever be mine.

poems of yester-year

Here are some poems from back in elem and middle school... through up till a year ago. I think.

If I Could See Into His Soul
I wonder what I'd see
If I could see into his soul
Would I have to look into his eyes
Just to see the times he cries?
Or would his feelings just unfold
All the stories so untold
Or would the secrets just keep to themselves
In the corners or on the shelves
I wonder what I'd see
If I could see into his soul

Poison
The blood the gore
Oh what a bore!
"Why not poison?" I ask
"There's much less violence, except for the task."
The victim of the poison is usually in bed
And the the stuff starts activating
The victim becomes dead.

Eyes of a Stranger
I looked into
the eyes of a stranger
Never thinking
Or realizing the danger
Just their eyes
Showed the times
They had cried
In the eyes of a stranger.

Looking ino
The eyes of a no one.
Not really searching
But finding a someone
Their loves and losses
Steadily flowed out
They'd been hurt many times
No doubt.
In the eyes of a no one.

I felt the touch of an angel
Oh so foriegn
And yet so familiar
Just one touch and
I felt all His love
That sweet messenger
from above
In the touch of an angel.

I looked into myself
For an answer
I knew my doubt
Was a fatal cancer
I learned I needed to
Love myself
Before anybody else.
Looking into my soul.

Dreams
Everyone wants a good dream
Nobody wants a bad one
I long for those girlish fantasies
The nightmares are unwelcome
The special ones, I hold dear
For they are so very few
But I always cry when they end
It's what I always do.
For one time my dream fulfilled
My every single wish
And then I woke to reality
Leaving behind that bliss.
My hopes had been raised and crushed.
The real world was shockingly cold
I had lost the dream I'd loved.
So now I do not care
If my dreams are good or bad.
For I know now the harsh truth...
there is no loved fantasy to be had.



that's all for now.

whooville

Glitter floating through the sky
I almost can't believe my eyes
It lands on doors, and trees and dirt
I catch it on my face, my shirt
Like tiny kisses upon my skin.
A wholesome time that I am in.

Oh to be a flake of snow
Never knowing where I'll go
To flit and float through chilly skies
No thoughts of people, scared of lies
To be a fully simple thing
To see the happiness I bring.

It's scorned and hated half the time
It doesn't fit into our lives
We blame it for our frosted cheeks
We pray that it will leave for weeks
But when the clouds melt from the scene
We realize what the snowfall means.

Oh to see a flake of snow!
She gets it now! She wants to know!
When are they coming back to play?
I'll wait a week, no! Just a day!
The streets are slick, the ground is hard
Oh snow! Come back! You've gone too far!

The windows melt wet pools of ice
You hear the bird, you see the mice
The temperature makes a raise
The weather begs you for its praise
At last! the snow falls once again
To bring the happiness of men.

Oh I love the sight of snow
At first it's high, and then it's low.
Large fluffy flakes clump up and melt
Reminding me of things I've felt
You have to leave, I understand
But don't forget our snowy land!

january

sad to say the sun is cold
the ice reflects its heat
and the then earth gets...none.

sad to say the room is far
the hall keeps getting longer
water drips from boots on his way.

sad to say i never knew
studying never did help
brain cells dry up from lack of use

sad to say the heart wandered
he didn't give it much of a choice
and now the heart pulls back in shame.

good to know the clouds are back
the warmth cannot escape
and the earth can turn again.

it

it hides
it haunts
it rears its head
i cry
i want
i wish i were dead
but how
and when
will it dissappear
today?
no way.
i'll wait one more year
it hides
it waits
it tries to be nice
i fall
go blind
no love in my eyes
i look
and smile
he fell in my pit
one day
he'll see
it's not me, it's it.
she prods
she digs
takes glee in my cries
i fight
i scratch
i hate when she pries.
"you'll see
the light,
you now can move on."
she's wrong
i'm right
it won't take too long
it lies
it hates
deceiving my heart
oh man
poor man
won't know where to start
it says
i'm wrong
it speaks honestly
hard heart
cold hands
shake too quietly.
i know
i'm scared.
i know it's not fun
i just
don't know
if i'll find that one
and if
he shows
will it let him pass?
will i
step back
and pray it will last?
it shows
it's face
he steps back and... grins?
he stops
and squints
he's destined to win
i hide
my fear
which he can dispell
i know
that love
i know it too well.

little mermaid

I gave it all just for your love
My family, my home, to live above
And yet you turn your back on me
I cannot speak, but can’t you see?
You are the only one for me
We are a match made perfectly
I came up here to live above
I gave it all to get your love.

Sun burns my skin
Wind chills my bones
But your smile warms my heart
The voices are strange
The bodies are stranger
Doing things I can’t even start
I can’t live without you
So I come to live with you
In a land I just can’t fit in
But you find my poor body
Dried out on the beach
This is where we begin

I gave it all just for your love
My family, my home, to live above
And yet you turn your back on me
I cannot speak, but can’t you see?
You are the only one for me
We are a match made perfectly
I came up here to live above
I gave it all to get your love.

You taught me to read
I don’t seem to learn
I don’t care, as long as you’re near
I listen to songs
But can’t sing along
I have words that you’ll never hear.
I take timid steps
And you hold my hand
Those tingles run down through my toes
You tell me the story
About me of course
But that fact, nobody knows

Yes I saved you that night
I gave you your life
But that moment you jump started mine
I turned away from the sea
But you can’t seem to see me.
You forever remain to be blind.

I gave it all just for your love
My family, my home, to live above
And yet you turn your back on me
I cannot speak, but can’t you see?
You are the only one for me
We are a match made perfectly
I came up here to live above
I gave it all to get your love.

One more girl, you say
Then after that,
If she’s not right, you will pick me
A sweet kiss on my mouth
Makes my whole soul arouse
One more day! Then how happy we’ll be!

I see her brown eyes
And long flowing hair
When your face lights up, then I know
She looks just like…me
And what else should you think?
Those feelings I finally show.
I watched as you kissed
Your marital bliss
My body fades with the night
My broken down heart
Cries tears in the dawn
I can’t believe this is right.

I came up here to live above
I gave it all to get your love.

decide

I look to myself for the answer
But my logic, my reason, it flees
If I go left or right
It's like day and like night
Is there really just one choice for me?

Who's to say that the path I will choose
Is the one that I'll stay on for life?
I know there'll be forks and
detours and changes
So is choosing right now even wise?

But I feel a strong urging
to plan and devise
I need a direction to follow!
Will someone, oh someone, please point out the way
To get through a year of tomorrows?

And I look to myself for the answer
But my logic, my reason, it flees.
If I go left or right
It's like day and like night
Is there really just one choice for me?

On the map I have charted a course
For each way that pulls at my heart
If I do what I want
I just might be happy
But are my desires the best?

So I think, and I ponder
Am I destined to wander?
Please tell me that I'll find my way home!
And then, like a lightswitch
I realize my problem
Was it really as simple as that?

Yes I looked to myself for the answer
My logic, my reason, remained
If I go left or right,
it's my choice, my right,
I can make the decision for me.

With my choice finally made
My heart sings a song
Direction! A plan! Hooray!
Every path could be fine
Just make up your mind!
And the rest will just fall into place.

there they are

there they are, the two of them
standing in battle position
i watch as they fight
and i know who will win...

neither.