i just don't know
what am i to think?
i feel ugly
stupid
fat
cheap
easy
and worthless.
what a great list of words.
who's to contradict me?
they can speak their words
spout self righteous statements
lies, really.
but nothing supports their statements
"yeah, you're cute! just not to me.
But to someone else..."
Bull.
if there were someone out there
someone who thought i was cute
i've never met them
they don't exist
why is it that 20 pounds ago i was cute?
why is it that 20 mgs of prozak ago i was happy?
why can't i just be happy?
why the compulsive starvation?
hard exercise
but it never changes how i look.
or the fact that they think i'm cheap
because i'm fat
and can't do any better.
i look at them all and laugh.
a sad, bitter, sardonic laugh.
they don't know
they think they can cheer me with lies.
but i'm not that stupid.
i know better.
i know i'm ugly.
obese
redundant
pissy
unattractive in every way
and left to my own devices
sad, isn't it.
nope. just how the
bleeding, porous world
turns.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I've never been this cold before in my life, which, when you think about it, is really impressive. I've called mountain tops, and antarctic conditions home before... but they were nothing like this. Perhaps it's because that cold was external, a superficial tactile experience. This cold started in my heart.
I'm running through the snow and trees, determined to find him. I scream his name, over and over, hoping to hear a response. Nothing. Tears escape my eyes and freeze on my cheeks. I need to find him before it's too late.
Charles should have helped me, but I realize now that he never will. He lives in a gilded tower, away from reality and the world. Everyone thinks he's brilliant and infallible. I think he's a stubborn old snob. He's the only one who could help me find Victor-- but he wont.
I scream his name again. "Victor! VICTOR!" My voice is fading into the woods, snow sucking it up like a dry sponge. No more tears escape. My fear and worry has turned to anger. Who did he think he was? Running away like this is so stupid, beyond belief stupid! And now, I have to come find him. No one else will. Not even his family.
I'm his only family now. He doesn't even love me, doesn't even want me. My figure provokes no feelings in his nooks and crannies. My face creates no emotional response. Unless you count annoyance. Yet I love him. And I'm coming to save him.
Perhaps it was the song. I know he heard me at the piano, plucking away at the little ditty. I'd hoped he would understand the spiritual significance the tune held, but he did not. It bothered him. I practically saw him bristle. Well, I didn't actually see him. But I felt it. Hot embarrassment irradiated his body, starting at his round, dark face.
Those eyes. So full of hurt and frustration. Picturing those eyes keep me going.
I know I get through to him sometimes. I've seen affection in the pools of ink below his forehead. I know it. I just know it.
Something makes me stop. My feet sink into the drifts as I peer around and look for the clue. There: his heavy feet left deep impressions in the snow, not yet covered by the fresh powder. I turn and take off at full speed in that direction.
Why do I love you, Victor? You've done nothing but scorn me, treat your brother like crap, and... seen me. He saw beyond my facade. True, my figure does nothing for his arousal, but perhaps that was why I want him so badly. Every other man falls for the curves, the concaves and convexes. Victor is immune to my charm, my magic. He sees me as no one special. And that makes him spectacular.
There. Huddled underneath a frozen drift, Victor sits. His fingers are turning blue, and my heart stops cold at the sight. Please God, don't let him have frost bite. I walk cautiously over to the man I just spent four hours looking for. He looks up at me and glares.
"Why. Why are you following me." The words imply questioning, but his tone does no such thing.
"Someone had to find you. You'll die out here if left to wander."
"Why you?"
"Why not me?"
He doesn't accept my answer. I put out my hands to him, a gesture that's supposed to show care and concern. He ignores my cold fingers and upturned palms.
"You have no excuse to be here." He continues to challenge my motives. Perhaps he's trying to figure me out? Could that be a sign of interest?
"Neither do you, idiot." Ha. That's the first time I've ever insulted him. To his face, at least.
The light in his eyes changes from anger and irritation to surprise. I pull my hands back and place them on my hips. The cold is getting to my brain. I'm feeling the original emotion of anger rise in my face.
"You're being stupid. I can't abide stupidity." My statement is the boldest I've ever made to him. Trying to woo him has been difficult, and no acquiesence has provided a way into his heart.
"Why are you here?" he asks me.
I sigh.
"I don't know, anymore. I thought it was to help you. But apparently you're intent on freezing to death out here. Have fun." I turn and start walking away, leaving behind the man I came to save. It kills me to leave his poor soul freezing over in the snow bank. My mind debates with itself for a good thirty seconds before I finally act on my feelings.
I march back to Victor, fire in my eyes and heart. "I don't give a crap if you don't want to be saved. You may think you're invincible, but have you ever frozen to death, Victor? Have you?" My voice raises in pitch and volume as I continue. "You can't stay here! You will die. And no matter how badly you treat me, no matter how much you ignore me, you are STILL a human being and I cannot abide murder. If I leave you here, that's exactly what I'm doing."
He stares at me for a full minute. He stands and puts out his gloved hand.
"Hi. My name's Victor. I don't think we've met." He smiles that amazingly attractive smile. I understand what he's telling me.
"Allyn. My name is Allyn."
We shake hands.
"Pleased to meet you."
I'm running through the snow and trees, determined to find him. I scream his name, over and over, hoping to hear a response. Nothing. Tears escape my eyes and freeze on my cheeks. I need to find him before it's too late.
Charles should have helped me, but I realize now that he never will. He lives in a gilded tower, away from reality and the world. Everyone thinks he's brilliant and infallible. I think he's a stubborn old snob. He's the only one who could help me find Victor-- but he wont.
I scream his name again. "Victor! VICTOR!" My voice is fading into the woods, snow sucking it up like a dry sponge. No more tears escape. My fear and worry has turned to anger. Who did he think he was? Running away like this is so stupid, beyond belief stupid! And now, I have to come find him. No one else will. Not even his family.
I'm his only family now. He doesn't even love me, doesn't even want me. My figure provokes no feelings in his nooks and crannies. My face creates no emotional response. Unless you count annoyance. Yet I love him. And I'm coming to save him.
Perhaps it was the song. I know he heard me at the piano, plucking away at the little ditty. I'd hoped he would understand the spiritual significance the tune held, but he did not. It bothered him. I practically saw him bristle. Well, I didn't actually see him. But I felt it. Hot embarrassment irradiated his body, starting at his round, dark face.
Those eyes. So full of hurt and frustration. Picturing those eyes keep me going.
I know I get through to him sometimes. I've seen affection in the pools of ink below his forehead. I know it. I just know it.
Something makes me stop. My feet sink into the drifts as I peer around and look for the clue. There: his heavy feet left deep impressions in the snow, not yet covered by the fresh powder. I turn and take off at full speed in that direction.
Why do I love you, Victor? You've done nothing but scorn me, treat your brother like crap, and... seen me. He saw beyond my facade. True, my figure does nothing for his arousal, but perhaps that was why I want him so badly. Every other man falls for the curves, the concaves and convexes. Victor is immune to my charm, my magic. He sees me as no one special. And that makes him spectacular.
There. Huddled underneath a frozen drift, Victor sits. His fingers are turning blue, and my heart stops cold at the sight. Please God, don't let him have frost bite. I walk cautiously over to the man I just spent four hours looking for. He looks up at me and glares.
"Why. Why are you following me." The words imply questioning, but his tone does no such thing.
"Someone had to find you. You'll die out here if left to wander."
"Why you?"
"Why not me?"
He doesn't accept my answer. I put out my hands to him, a gesture that's supposed to show care and concern. He ignores my cold fingers and upturned palms.
"You have no excuse to be here." He continues to challenge my motives. Perhaps he's trying to figure me out? Could that be a sign of interest?
"Neither do you, idiot." Ha. That's the first time I've ever insulted him. To his face, at least.
The light in his eyes changes from anger and irritation to surprise. I pull my hands back and place them on my hips. The cold is getting to my brain. I'm feeling the original emotion of anger rise in my face.
"You're being stupid. I can't abide stupidity." My statement is the boldest I've ever made to him. Trying to woo him has been difficult, and no acquiesence has provided a way into his heart.
"Why are you here?" he asks me.
I sigh.
"I don't know, anymore. I thought it was to help you. But apparently you're intent on freezing to death out here. Have fun." I turn and start walking away, leaving behind the man I came to save. It kills me to leave his poor soul freezing over in the snow bank. My mind debates with itself for a good thirty seconds before I finally act on my feelings.
I march back to Victor, fire in my eyes and heart. "I don't give a crap if you don't want to be saved. You may think you're invincible, but have you ever frozen to death, Victor? Have you?" My voice raises in pitch and volume as I continue. "You can't stay here! You will die. And no matter how badly you treat me, no matter how much you ignore me, you are STILL a human being and I cannot abide murder. If I leave you here, that's exactly what I'm doing."
He stares at me for a full minute. He stands and puts out his gloved hand.
"Hi. My name's Victor. I don't think we've met." He smiles that amazingly attractive smile. I understand what he's telling me.
"Allyn. My name is Allyn."
We shake hands.
"Pleased to meet you."
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
sewing machines
it always happens this way
again and again and again
the cycle of friendship, love
desperation
and despise.
Endlessly turning on spokes of attraction
dancing, smiles
and eyes.
You can't stick your hand in
without a wound. Can't stop
without blood.
There must be blood.
I nurse my wounds with glee
See? See what you've done to me?
But there's nothing
You did nothing.
I hurt myself by reaching in
The wires were obvious!
A brace can't stop rotation!
It's the only out
the only option in view
I don't mean for it turn this way
I never do
But over, and over, and over
merrily we roll
Until I've broken the circle,
stopped all affection
There is no room for grey in my life!
Black!
White!
Those make sense!
Colors that ring of truth
Of decision and action
But the grey just comes.
I start with a black circle
friendship spinning in my eyes
then, without thought
grey seeps in.
Please go away.
No. I draw nearer with my words
but my heart is far from it.
Silk scarves of grey wrap me
my skin tingles with need for grey.
Don't worry. The grey always comes.
Again, and again, and
again.
again and again and again
the cycle of friendship, love
desperation
and despise.
Endlessly turning on spokes of attraction
dancing, smiles
and eyes.
You can't stick your hand in
without a wound. Can't stop
without blood.
There must be blood.
I nurse my wounds with glee
See? See what you've done to me?
But there's nothing
You did nothing.
I hurt myself by reaching in
The wires were obvious!
A brace can't stop rotation!
It's the only out
the only option in view
I don't mean for it turn this way
I never do
But over, and over, and over
merrily we roll
Until I've broken the circle,
stopped all affection
There is no room for grey in my life!
Black!
White!
Those make sense!
Colors that ring of truth
Of decision and action
But the grey just comes.
I start with a black circle
friendship spinning in my eyes
then, without thought
grey seeps in.
Please go away.
No. I draw nearer with my words
but my heart is far from it.
Silk scarves of grey wrap me
my skin tingles with need for grey.
Don't worry. The grey always comes.
Again, and again, and
again.
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