cyclical fear

Curving arches, convex light
the pinkesh flesh cools down
air dances, prancing around
hairs rise like an audience.
They give a standing ovation
"encore! brava!" the crowds cheer.
But skin tightens and moves
Bumps errupt and wash over
"I'm scared! I'm scared!" is suddenly the cry
soft fingers run over
skin warms frightened skin
muscles calm. All is right.

Disclaimer

Some of you may have noticed some similarities between the subjects of my poems and certain people in my life. I want to say right now that I write what I know, and am constantly inspired by events in my life. But do not mistake inspiration for accuracy.

Many times my peoms start off a certain way, but by the time I reach the end, the direction has changed completely. I like this, for it lets me truly express what I'm feeling.

So, don't worry if it seems like I might be writing about our situation: I was just inspired by it. Not documenting it.

when?

He has two orbs of glass
Sitting in for eyes
Few people recognize it
But I can see his lies.
Those black and shaded windows
Are what he hides behind
Darkness reigns in his heart
No light enters his mind.

When's he gunna see?
When's he gunna see
What it is that he can be?
When's he gunna know,
When's he gunna know
That I don't enjoy his show,
his shallow show...

His brow is made of marble
It's frozen in a frown.
I'm sure his perfect smile
Would shine if he'd allow
But the thin line of those pretty lips
Are stuck in place for good
His emotions hidden deep inside
The way he thinks they should.

But when's he gunna see,
When's he gunna see
What it is that he can be?
When's he gunna know,
When's he gunna know
I don't enjoy his show,
His maddening show.
It makes me feel... so... low...

What happened to the light
I saw inside your soul?
You were once my heat
Now you leave me cold.
Come back to life, I beg you, please!
I pray for you on bended knee!
Oh God show him just who he is,
And I promise now, sure as I live
That I will never leave You out.
I'll live on Earth without one doubt.

But his eyes are made of glass
Until he makes that change.
I have to walk away now
But giving up feels strange.
This no more my battle
It's his alone to fight
He has to thaw the marble
And let in the true light.

When's he gunna see
When's he gunna see
What he really means to me?
When's he gunna know
When's he gunna know
that he forced me to go?
Even though I loved him so.


I wish that he could know.

Dark

The sunlight is my shield
It gives me hope to hold
I can talk to you and enjoy myself
Without feeling the hole
But as the sun fades from my view
My thoughts tangle around you
And I can’t seem to see
What else is of worth to me
In the darkness of night
My heart breaks

Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind!
I’ll change myself if you’ll change your mind!
I can’t explain what I feel,
But right now, it’s real.
Then the sun shows its face
And I’m back in my place
And the world is alright, again.

The pillow holds my tears
The blankets hide my pain
As I scratch at sheets in misery
Cotton fibers call your name
If I close my eyes and slumber
I will stop the endless wonder
With the dawn approaching nearer
I can see myself much clearer
In the brightness of day
My heart heals.

Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind!
I’ll change myself if you’ll change your mind!
I can’t explain what I feel,
But right now, it’s real.
Then the sun shows its face
And I’m put back in my place
And the world is alright, again.

Someday I’ll conquer the night
And no matter when, things will be right
If I didn’t still love you
I would know what to do.

But some evening I’ll lie in my bed
And not wonder if I am dead
I’ll be happy no matter the sun.
Because I’ll know then that you’re not the one.

Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind!
I’ll change myself if you’ll change your mind!
I can’t explain what I feel,
But right now, it’s real
Then the sun shows its face
And I’m put back in my place
And the world is alright, again.

four months

I remember when I met you,
How you fit into your jeans
With one leg across the other
You were not what you seemed.
You brushed your bangs aside.
Each time I felt a pange.
But I couldn't keepy my mouth shut
So you surely saw my change.

You saw me, you knew me, and you tried to let me in.
I saw you, ignored you, I just knew I couldn't win.
I couldn't hide who I was, I couldn't stop the chase
You gave me space and room to grow, I cringed to see your face.

I remember when I met you,
The real you, the first time.
Your body was invisible
It was your spirit's turn to shine
Gratitude filled my heart
As you treated me with love
I saw you then as He sees you
My view from up above.

You saw me, didn't know me, and began to shut me out.
I saw you, fought for you, did all but scream and shout!
You tried to make the choice for me, but I could not accept.
We talked it out and started again, this was our third attempt.

I remember when I met you,
When you first showed me that side.
I wasn't shocked, but more suprised
The gap was small, not wide.
I hadn't shown my passion,
Kept my secrets in my heart.
You called this point our end.
I saw it as our start.

You saw me, I saw you, our passions found each other
I flourished in our friendship; my spirit wasn't smothered.
We didn't hide who we were, there was no more a chase.
But we see that now is not the time, nor is here the place.

I hope that when I see you
In another place and time
You'll see the changes in me.
I'll see you've redrawn lines.
You'll talk to me with love, respect,
And gently kiss my cheek.
You'll wipe my tears off with your thumb
You'll make my knees grow weak.

Beyond that point, I dare not dream
My heart and mind may turn.
I love you now and always will
But we have so much to learn.
I have to trust myself and God
And be here when you need
That we will always be good friends,
For that alone I plead.

Kayla-Anne

I know I should be happy
But why can’t I be sad?
I’ll miss you with my whole heart
Is loving you that bad?
But I want you to be happy
To find joy in every way
So I’ll keep my tears behind my eyes
We’ll meet again someday.

The ice and the snow
Fly past my window
Your voice is steady and calm
I cannot believe
That you even feel pride
When you see what I do and I say.

We are so different you and me
You see the world unusually
Though I cannot say these things I feel
I know this love is very real.
To see you cry rips at my soul
To see you cry rips at my soul.

The ice and the snow
Fly past my window
Your voice is steady and calm
I cannot believe
That you even feel pride
When you see what I do and I say.

Your talent always awes me
Your love is wonder inspiring
But I used to pull you down
With a sneer, a jeer, a frown.
I didn’t know how to show my love
I didn’t know how to show my love.

But in spite of that
You pulled me back
And held me in your care
I cried and screamed
There was not one thing
Till you showed me you were there.
Don’t leave me now!
I don’t know how!
I can’t make it on my own!
You keep me strong
And moving on!
I’m not quite whole without you!

Through the ice and the snow
You tell me you love me
That my actions and love impress you
“Don’t forget who you are, and what you can do,”
You declare in the cold winter air.

As my sister, I love you
As my example, I live by you
As my best friend… I need you.

We are the ones

We are the ones who try with our hearts
To forget what we want, to ignore who we are
To be us is sin, and we hide our desires
To voice them is only a demand for ridicule

We hide in our corners and behind our façades
We try to be strong and hold up our smiles
But to be us is sin, and we hide our desires
For exposing our needs is a sure road to hurt

Why can’t I want children? A husband? A home?
Is wrong to want love? To not be alone?
But to say so makes giggles and laughs dance around
Every man in the room is rolling around
Sides grabbed in amusement
Mockery saturates each word.

Why can’t I want family? To be saved with adoration?
But I’m scorned by my peers and my society

Don’t want
Don’t be
Don’t feel
Don’t say

But stop
Obey
And listen to me

When do I reach the Promised Land
Where judgments aren’t made?
Where we’re seen for who we are
Where we’re seen for what we are
Where we’re seen for what we want
Where we’re seen for who we need
Where we’re seen for what we love
Where we’re known for who we worship?

But to be us is sin, and we hide our desires
To be us is a burden we carry.